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Comedy fans! :: Comedy :: Comedy Shows :: my first gig
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AuthorTopic: my first gig (Read 548 times)
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my first gig
« Thread Started on Jan 10, 2004, 6:34pm »
oh my god this is going to be embarrasing...

at my grandma and grandads 50th anniversary party, they've asked me to stand up and tell a few jokes, about 5-6, the cleaner the better. i have no idea what to do! i was thinking of using some of tim vines, but i dont think thats suitable...i have to come up with a quick routine by the 28th february, preferably sooner, i'll keep posting what i've come up with as I do, but any help from u guys would be appreciated!
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Re: my first gig
« Reply #1 on Jan 10, 2004, 9:40pm »
Awwwww hunni, thtz kool 8-) u'll b alrite :) i can't actually fink of any right now but i'll keep finkin and get back to u :-*
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Re: my first gig
« Reply #2 on Jan 12, 2004, 3:49pm »
Dr, Dr i've got a problem
what is it?
well every morning i pee at 6am
well thats useful though, isnt it?
well also i do a poo every morning at 7am
so whats the problem?
i wake up at 9am
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Re: my first gig
« Reply #3 on Jan 12, 2004, 5:16pm »
they have to be clean!

if you remember Tim Vine's joke about the golf-bread where he did it, and he "sliced" it...i think that might be a good finale...

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Re: my first gig
« Reply #4 on Jan 15, 2004, 5:23pm »
you could do those clown pictures:

here is a picture of some clowns in a raft on a river...

this is the picture five secounds later (picture with the clowns and waterfall)
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Re: my first gig
« Reply #5 on Jan 16, 2004, 5:57pm »
i think i might refuse, i dont think clean funny jokes exist :(
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Re: my first gig
« Reply #6 on Jan 18, 2004, 4:29pm »
dont worry, thats nothing compared to what i did at my school

2nd week in i had to give a presentation in front of 20 people who i didn't know about a book that influenced me!!!
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Actual charts in a hospital (serious)
« Reply #7 on Jan 18, 2004, 4:31pm »
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from the toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal sized thyroid.
19. She stated that she was constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel restriction. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
28. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
;D ;D ;D

how about that for your grand parents ;D
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Re: my first gig
« Reply #8 on Dec 5, 2004, 10:50am »
- Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on the dog's tail we had to change his name to Beaver.
- Yo mama's so fat, when the cops see her on a street corner they yell, "Hey you guys, break it up!"
- Yo mama is so dirty she has to creep up on the bathwater.
- Yo' mama like a Big Mac -- full of fat and only worth a buck!
- Your mama cooks so bad, your family prays after they eat!
- Yo' mama's breath stinks so bad, people look forward to her farts!
- Yo mama's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map, she sees people waving.
- Yo Mama's so ugly, she had to trick-or-treat over the phone.
- Yo mama is like a brick -- she is always getting laid.
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